Friday, September 4, 2015

"In These Terrible Times"


(Note: this is a creative piece that I read aloud at a show last spring.)

Writing sympathy cards for a teenage girl who has lost her father may seem like a daunting task. Despite the fact that everyone who has ever lived has also died, death, that crafty little weasel, manages to remain a mysterious secret that most of us are just plumb unready to deal with.

Don't be alarmed! With these helpful tips and just fifteen minutes of your time, you too can make death cozy and meaningful, like Christmas, instead of random and terrifying, like death!

Everyone have your cards and pens? Okay, let’s begin.

First: Make sure to write about someone you know who is dead.

If you can write about the target deceased, great! But what if you didn’t like him? What you worked down the hall from him for six years without ever introducing yourself? What if you’re just here for the cheese plate?

Don’t worry! Everyone you love will die someday. That makes the odds pretty good that you have a dead person kicking around in your head right now.

So: tell her about your golf buddy’s death or the way that your roommate coped after her boyfriend was run over by a garbage truck. It will make her feel loved to know that you and she are part of the same club (even if it is the least exclusive club that there has ever been).

Two: Say something nice about the deceased.

If you liked him, great! If not, get creative! Try some people thought he was funny or he knew a more about boats than anyone I know.

Like my Mama always said: if God didn’t love backhanded compliments, he wouldn’t have given tennis rackets two sides.

Three: Tell her where and when you were when you herd.

This is vital information without which no sympathy card is complete. Imagine the fun she’ll have as she tracks the news on a map with colorful push-pins, like an invading army!

Don’t forget to call it the news, which is the medical term.

Four: Order her to feel bad.

Don’t overlook this step. Be firm. Say it with authority: you must be devastated. You must feel like life is not worth living. You must want to push a pencil into your brain until everything is numb.

 This kind of direction is very important. Without it, the thought of suicide might never even cross a fourteen-year-old girl’s mind.

Five: Be original!

Like my middle school English teacher used to say: How do you scare a rabbit? Unique up on it!

If you have any interest in poetry or New Age philosophy, this is just the opportunity that you need!  Imagine how much your card will stand out from all of those other boring ones. 

Six: Tell her Jesus loves her.

This is especially important if she isn’t Christian. After all, doesn’t that just mean that she has more to worry about than anyone?

Seven: Tell her that you love her.

 In forty sympathy cards, this was the only useful thing that anyone said.  

Eight: Be yourself!

Or better yet, be the couple who sent me a snapshot of a snowy cabin with a message on the back that read, in full: This is our cabin in New Hampshire. I’m so sorry for your loss. Bob and Beth.

(For all I know, you may be Bob and Beth. No one in my family, to this day, has any clue who they are.)

Wrap things up with a jaunty signature like from all the gals in suite 233B and you are all set to shine like the little ray of sunshine that you are.

Remember: with three minutes and a dollar fifty, you too can turn death into just another Hallmark holiday—a non-event where you can eat cookies and go through the motions of a ritual to which you feel no emotional connection. 

And if the thought ever creeps into your head that you might die—that someday it might be your friends and golf buddies and cousins’ significant others sitting crouched over an empty square of cardboard with nothing at all to say—don’t worry! They sell sympathy cards with ponies on them! Ponies—the least threatening of all the hoofed mammals!

Just look at that pony on the front of your store-bought card and imagine it saying: Don’t worry. Everything will be all right. Death is controllable, grief is manageable, comfort is cheap and easy, and you have nothing to worry about.

"Who, Now, Can We Trust?"


(Note: this writing sample is an online lesson I created for my composition class in 2012)

A few days after Osama bin Laden was killed, a beautiful quote started popping up on Facebook feeds everywhere:

“I mourn the loss of thousands of precious lives, but I will not rejoice in the death of one, not even an enemy.” – Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.

It was inspiring, and it was something that a very angry, grieving America needed to hear. The only problem is, of course, that Dr. King never said it.

As far as anyone can tell, the mixup started when an English teacher named Jessica Dovey posted this on Facebook a few days earlier:

I mourn the loss of thousands of precious lives, but I will not rejoice in the death of one, not even an enemy. “Returning hate for hate multiplies hate, adding deeper darkness to a night already devoid of stars. Darkness cannot drive out darkness; only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate, only love can do that.” – Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.

You can probably guess what happened from there. It’s a classic social media chain reaction: first someone dropped the quotation marks while reposting her thought, then someone shortened it to fit a Twitter character limit, then a famous person retweeted it, and before long, the mangled version of the quote was everywhere.

All of which is to say: when searching for accurate information on the internet, your biggest enemy will not be someone trying to trick you. It will be a nice, well-intentioned, earnest person who is just wrong.

It’s an insidious threat, and it’s all the more dangerous because someone who is simply misinformed doesn’t throw up red flags the way that a dishonest person does.  In this age of constant media background noise, we’ve all gotten pretty good and knowing when someone is misleading us. Misinforming us, unfortunately, is a different story.

So: assuming that you don’t want to just throw up your hands, scream that all opinions are equal, and give up, what can you do? You can ask yourself some pointed questions about everything that you read.

Question One: What Are the Chances This Source Was Fact-Checked?

Fact-checking is what it sounds like, and it’s difficult, and it’s time-consuming, and it’s expensive. Sources usually won’t do it unless they have a very good reason. So, unless you can spot one of those good reasons, the source you are reading probably wasn’t fact-checked.

            A Few Good Reasons to Fact-Check a Source:
o   Experts read it— experts who will laugh or make a fuss or at least complain if they see something inaccurate.
o   It has a lot to lose if it gets something wrong. Some sources will lose readers and money if they make a mistake. Some won’t. Some depend on lying to readers to get money.
o   Its sponsors have a lot to lose if it gets something wrong. If a website is sponsored by a university and makes a big factual mistake, that’s embarrassing.  If a website sponsored by Buzzfeed makes a big factual mistake, nobody cares.

Don’t forget to check the date of the last update if you can, too, as even facts that were fact-checked in 2004 are no longer accurate in 2014.  Keep an eye out for dead links—they’re a sign that a site has not been updated.

Also: is there a way to tell the authors if you find a factual mistake?  If they don’t ask, then chances are pretty good that they don’t care.

Question Two:  What Are the Chances That the Author of This Source Knows What He or She Is Talking About?

It would be nice if we could trust that anyone who sits down to write an article about something actually understands that thing, but, then, it would also be nice to have a pony.

The rule here is reason to, not reason not to. That is: we are looking for a reason to think that this author is knowledgeable. If we don’t find one, then we can’t use the source, even if we don’t find a reason not to use it.

            A Few Good Reasons to Think An Author Knows About Penguins:
           
o   The author has a degree in penguin studies.
o   The author has professional experience working with penguins.
o   The author has published other articles about penguins—or, even better, other penguin experts quote the author in their papers.
o   The author is publishing on a platform that would not allow anyone to publish without extensive knowledge of penguins.

Do not be afraid to Google the author. Google the author. If you don’t know the author’s name, think twice about trusting the source.

Question Three: Does This Author of This Source Have a Reason Not To Believe the Truth?

Purposeful bias is pretty easy to spot. Unconscious bias is The Real Monster. A source with incentive not to believe the truth is a source that might lie to you without even knowing it.

            A Few Good Reasons For an Author Not to Believe the Truth:
o   The author will make money if this discussion goes one way, but not if it goes another way.
o   The author does not know what problem the opposing side has with the argument he or she is making.
o   The author is arguing in favor of something everyone loves to favor, like what he or she grew up believing (confirmation bias), what most people already believe (status quo bias), or what seems super urgent because everyone on the news is talking about it this week (availability bias).

Remember, by the way: a source that has an opinion is not necessarily a biased source. In fact, an author with an opinion is probably just an author who is paying attention.

An opinion is something that an author comes to after learning about the subject with an open mind—something that might change as the author learns more.  A bias is something the author had when he or she walked in—something that won’t change no matter what.

So:

“I gave this Spanish class a chance, but it’s boring and the textbook is terrible. I’ve been here three weeks and it’s not getting any better.”

Opinion, wonderful.
“I hate language classes, so even though I’m only ten minutes into my Spanish class, I know it’s terrible and that it’s not going to get better.”
Bias, trouble.

And finally, the last question, which overrules all the others:

Question Four: Does What I’m Reading Make Sense?

No matter how great a source is, if it says something that doesn’t make sense, then let that be a dealbreaker. Learn more or walk away. Your judgment as a researcher is part of what you are offering your readers, so don’t be afraid to use it.

"All Things Middle"

(Note: this sample is an online reading that I created for my literature class in 2013)


As we begin our unit on Chaucer, let’s spend a few minutes talking about the Middle Ages, Middle English, and all things Middle.

Here’s as good a place to start as any:


At this link, you will find a blog written by a medievalist in Geoffrey Chaucer’s name. I present this blog to you because a. it is hilarious and b. it is written in passable Middle English,

Looking at this blog, you should notice a few interesting things right off the bat:

1.    It is more or less legible. That is, we, speakers of Modern English, should be able to read Middle English well enough to get a strong handle on what the speaker is saying. The grammar is a little different from Modern English, the vocabulary is a little different, and the spelling is drastically off, but it’s clearly an earlier version of the language that we currently speak. That would not be true if we were looking at Old English.

2.    The author switches back and forth between English, French, and Latin in a way that suggests his readers will know at least a little of all three. For a well-educated reader in the Middle Ages, all three of those languages should be within reach.

To understand why these things are true, we have to look back to 1066: the year of the Norman Conquest. At that point, England was ruled by a Germanic group called the Anglo-Saxons, and the language of the land was Old English (also known as Anglo-Saxon). Old English was heavily Germanic, although it had some Scandinavian influences that came in through Viking raids.

In 1066, invaders led by William the Conqueror (who was the Duke of Normandy—hence the name “Norman Conquest”) defeated Harold the Saxon King and took control of England. Their language is Norman (later called Anglo-Norman), which is an early version of French.

Why did they invade? Because they wanted land, of course. The law in many European countries said that the first son of a noble family inherited all of the family property, and all younger siblings had to fend for themselves. William the Conqueror’s army was largely made up of second and third sons from noble families looking to carve out a chunk of land for themselves—a motivation that we’re going to find will have an enormous effect on history (and on every Jane Austen novel ever).

The end result is that for two hundred years following the Conquest, English society wound up split into three groups so distinct that they didn’t even speak the same language:

  • The Anglo-Normans, who were very rich and powerful. Their language was Anglo-Norman French.
  • The Anglo-Saxons, who spoke Old English.
  •  Members of the Church, which was an independent, international organization. They spoke Latin.


These three languages roughly corresponded to what were known as the Three Estates—that is, the three social classes that existed under the feudal system.  French was the language of the landowning nobles, English was the language of the commoners, and Latin was the language of the clergy (who might have started life as either nobles or commoners, but who entered a new social class when they joined the Church).

At first, there was a lot of resentment between these three groups. (It’s believed, for example, that stories about Robin Hood began as revenge fantasies by Anglo-Saxons against their new Norman overlords). 

Luckily for the development of Middle English, this extreme stratification didn’t last. Anglo-Norman nobles intermarried with Anglo-Saxon nobles, rich commoners hired tutors for their kids, and, eventually, the three separate languages melded together to form Middle English

I should also point out that Middle English was, up until Chaucer’s time, what’s known as a vernacular language. In other words, it was the language that the common people spoke, not a language like Latin in which formal writing was done. Chaucer was not the first writer to write formal documents in English, but he was by far the most popular early writer in English—so much so that he helped to set and define its rules for spelling and grammar. 

This is huge. Remember: for a very long time, one of the defining features of the lower class was that they were unlikely to be able to read. Part of that was because they didn’t have the time or money for school, but part of that was because there was an extra barrier for them that didn’t exist for other people—official documents were not even written in the language that they spoke. 

Vernacular language becoming the language of the land is going to be quite important during the Renaissance (which Chaucer is just beginning to edge into in the 1380’s-1400’s), so keep an eye on it.

Note that I said “rich commoners.” The development of Middle English was enormously helped along by the growth of the middle class, which didn’t really exist in the early parts of the Middle Ages.  At that point, social classes were simple. There were basically two kinds of people: those who owned large amounts of land (the nobles) and those who farmed the land (commoners). Clergy, who did neither, were off to the side.

As all of us who lived through the past century know, however, technology has a way of messing up the established social order. The High Middle Ages (the period between 1000 and 1300) saw enormous growth in farming technology—better metals, better mills, better harnesses, the invention of three field crop rotation, and all sorts of other things that spelled more people eating better food with less work involved. 

As a result, the commoners were not only healthier and happier but also had more time on their hands and more money to spend. They began doing things like buying land, educating their children, and going into trades that were not related to farming—trades that didn’t depend on owning land for success—in much greater numbers. Towns began to spring up, and people began leaving the countryside to live together in larger groups. 

At the same time, the nobles were not thriving as much as you would expect. Among other things, this was the age of the Crusades—and funding Crusades became a nobleman’s Christian duty. Many went broke trying to keep up with expenses like these.

The end result of these changes was an era with clearly defined and inescapable social classes—but also an era where your social class was not determined by how much money you had. There were plenty of poor nobles—and, more to the point, there were plenty of rich, educated, landowning commoners.  Chaucer himself came from one of these middle-class families.

We see plenty of examples of this new social order in the General Prologue. The Franklin, for instance, is a perfect example of a rich, educated, landowning middle-class man. (That’s what the word Franklin means, in fact—a rich landowner who isn’t a noble). The Merchant and the guildsmen show us how powerful and wealthy non-noble people could become in this era by engaging in trade. The Oxford Clerk is almost certainly middle class in origin—and he’s a college student, which was just as expensive a prospect back then as it is now. Even the Reeve, who is a bit lower down on the social ladder (a reeve was a property manager for a large estate) has been known to lend money to the nobles whose property he manages. 

In fact, one of the interesting things about the Canterbury Tales is that unlike what we usually think of when we think of medieval literature (or even what we see when we look at one of Chaucer’s most important influences, Boccaccio’s Decameron), this work spends hardly any time focusing on noble characters. 

There are basically two important noble characters—the Knight, and his son the Squire. By contrast, we see an enormous array of commoners from all walks of life—rich and poor, educated and uneducated, from the town and from the country, farmers, professionals, landowners, servants, and members of pretty much any other occupation that you could think of.

We also see plenty of examples of members of that third class—the Church. These include actually clergy (the Prioress, the Monk, etc.) as well as non-clergy Church employees like the Summoner (whose job it was to bring sinners to religious courts to be punished) and the Pardoner (who sold palpal indulgences and access to relics).

One thing we modern readers might not notice right away is that nearly all the Church characters are corrupt in some way. Remember: clergy at the time were all supposed to take vows of celibacy, poverty, and obedience. So, people like the Monk and the Prioress might seem nice enough in their initial descriptions, but they’re also rich and frivolous (the Monk owns fine horses, the Prioress has some spoiled little dogs and nice clothes) which, according to the rules, they absolutely should not have been. Other corruptions are even more obvious—the Friar (whose job it is to collect money for the poor and the Church) spends all his money on drinking and sex, and the Pardoner tricks people into believing that pig bones in a jar are actually saint’s relics so that he can take their money. All of these descriptions reflect dissatisfaction with the Church in Chaucer’s time—dissatisfaction that would eventually bubble up in a big way during the Protestant Reformation a century after this book was written.

Luckily, we do get to see one example of a clergyman who is living exactly the life of celibacy, poverty, and obedience that his job requires—the Parson. That’s pretty much how Chaucer works in the general prologue:  he presents us with many corrupt, silly, and ridiculous members of a class, and then with one example of a perfect, virtuous member of that class to balance things out. The Parson is our perfect clergyman. His brother, the Plowman, is a perfect commoner. And the Knight is a perfect noble, representing everything a noble should be.

Happy reading! I’ll see you all on Friday, when we’ll discuss the Knight’s Tale.